A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Mr. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz" said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." With that, the mortician used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase. "Oh my God!" she screamed. "Schwartz is dead!"
The Fairy, all light and kindness, a beacon of hope and a guiding hand when all seems lost... or so they would like us to believe.
These are insidious creatures, flitting around the midnight forest, their bioluminescence attracting unsuspecting prey like a spider luring a fly to its parlour, only for the life force to be sucked from the victim, but not before they are stunned by the Taser like weapon the Fairy calls a wand.
Dislikes : Trolls – AKA the resistance – Cats – the invisible monsters they fight are real – and those who deny their existence.
Likes : Curses, the game of pretence and the power of true dark magic.
Level four warning : To cross a Fairy is to invite destruction and chaos into your life. Children will be stolen away and replaced by changelings, curses will be laid at the door, bringing poverty and ill health to all who reside behind it.
The Fairy takes no prisoners when it has been slighted. So take care in the daily chores. A stray bucket of water thrown from an open window, onto a passing troop of theses invisible thugs, is enough to bring the fires of Hell raining down.
I want to introduce my new boyfriend to my family. The problem is is that he is a vampire, and they go to bed at 6 pm every night, sharp. He doesn't get up until the sun sets! My parents also cook with a lot of garlic and they refuse to give him permission to enter the house, so he can't even come in to visit with me when they're sleeping because since it's their house, THEY have to give permission. He says he's dealt with this all his unlife, but I think they would just adore him. Please help me bring us all together as a family.
Sincerely, Fancy Fangs
Have you considered SPF 110 suntan lotion and shade to have your boyfriend meet them during the day? From what I've read about vampires, they choose to sleep the day away, but the don't have to! I think a nice backyard BBQ (for you guys, not for him!) And some donated blood bags alongside some idle chatter would really help to break the ice. I wish you luck!
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DISCLAIMER This news letter is for fun. The articles are fictitious and we do not mean to cause any harm by printing anything controversial. (which we do ) We do how ever take pride in stirring things up, pissing people off, and generally providing a shock value for those with a twisted mind. Enjoy.
Our group of twisted writers...
When the dead rise to feast on the flesh of the living, two families band together to face a long night of terror, fighting to survive until sunrise.
Anthony Micheal Hall does his best with an idiotic script. Daryl Hannah's acting is not bad either. What makes this movie barely a three for me is... *Minor spoilers ahead* The characters continue to make stupid decision after stupid decision. The police officer drove me crazy when he put his back to open doorways several times. Police are trained not to do this. He did not practice correct gun safety either. The other main action that drove me crazy was when they left the panic room after killing the two zombies inside. Throw their nasty zombie bodies outside the room and shut the door. They would have been perfectly safe and well supplied. Also at least one more character would have survived if they had done this. All in all I would say this is a B- movie with some neat zombie kills. If you love zombie movies and want to kill some time I say watch it.